Battle with my Mind.

Yesterday, I felt like ending it all cause my mind tells me life isn't worth living… So, I just kept myself tuck on the bed, with my thoughts loudly saying, “It won't get better, and it will always feel this way.” “You're all alone, and you don't deserve to feel loved because of what you've gone through.” “Everyone hates you.” “You are a burden.”

I felt like I was drowning while everyone is living their life like everything is fine. I felt overwhelmed by the darkness that my mind brought me — I hurt myself, drank a lot of painkillers just so I could numb the pain — yet nothing seems to help, and it felt like a never-ending cycle of being okay for a while and the next day, without noticing, I already had a relapse.

I didn't know how to explain my dark thoughts so I just kept everything to myself until I just exploded and was all over the place. I couldn't keep myself together. I knew I really needed help because I'm scared of myself and what I might do if I'm left alone with my thoughts.

Today, it feels so different, I thought to myself maybe it does get better so let me keep going…

I felt like I shouldn't feel this way because I have so much to be grateful for. Unknowingly, I was already invalidating and hurting myself by not accepting that there might be so much more to what I'm feeling. So, I would decide to leave things until TOMORROW.

Tomorrow, I don't know what will happen but I'm hoping it will be a lot better than all those 'Yesterdays' we have already faced. I may not know what's causing the overwhelming pain you are feeling, but I know what you feel is valid. I know that you will feel better in time.

I hope someone reaches out to help. I hope they notice how hard you're trying to keep yourself from breaking down and relapsing. I hope they hold you tight (w/consent) I hope they make you feel that it will all be fine and that it won't always feel this way. I hope you find home within yourself so you don't have to feel scared of solitude and being a stranger in your own home. Don't allow anyone to make you feel less than whole. You are not okay, and that's still okay. You are so brave and resilient! Keep braving!

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